


Grief and Joy

by stelladora



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M, Reunion Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-22
Updated: 2014-10-22
Packaged: 2018-02-22 03:12:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2492318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stelladora/pseuds/stelladora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When I say I miss you, I don’t just mean I miss having someone to chat with during an idle hour. I miss everything about you."</p>
<p>A month after Jimmy leaves Downton, he writes to Thomas and asks to meet up with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Grief and Joy

_“I knew you would come back.”_

_“Did you now? Smug as ever, I see.”_

_“I just know you can’t live without me.”_

_“True enough, Mr. Barrow. I certainly can’t.”_

It was the third time that week Thomas had woken up crying.

* * *

 

“My goodness, I never thought I’d say I missed having James around,” Mr. Molesley mumbled as Carson loaded him with yet another task that morning. “Things were never easy before, but it was a lot better having two footmen.”

Anna interceded before anyone else, not having to look over at Thomas to know there was a scowl on his face. “I’m sure we all miss Jimmy. He always cheered the place up a bit.”

“Yes, well, we’re all just going to have to get along without him now, aren’t we?” Mrs. Hughes said, displaying the tenacity and efficiency that everyone had come to respect her for.

It had been almost a month since Jimmy left, and things had hardly gotten easier for Thomas. There were constant reminders of the former footman everywhere, from the grandfather clock upstairs to the piano sitting untouched in the corner of the servants’ hall. Thomas had done his best not to let anyone notice how broken up he felt—he’d barely even admitted it to himself, and he wasn’t the type to seek solace from others.

_I’m fine,_ Thomas thought to himself for what must have been the hundredth time. _I’ll get over it soon enough, same as I got over Crowborough and Edward Courtenay and Lady Sybil…I’m fine._ Thomas was intelligent enough to know that nothing lasted forever, neither grief nor joy.

“Mr. Barrow?”

Thomas jerked his head up from where he’d been staring into his teacup. Carson was holding out a letter to him, looking slightly upset that the valet wasn’t giving that particular morning’s post its due attention. Thomas took the letter with an apologetic nod and felt his heart skip a beat when he saw the familiar scratchy handwriting on the envelope. Jimmy had written to him after all.

Not wanting to spoil the letter by opening it in the presence of prying eyes, Thomas tucked it away into his jacket. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a spare moment all day for him to read it. He kept running his fingers over the paper, fretting constantly over what Jimmy might have said. He went up to his room as early as possible that night and had to pause and take a deep breath before opening up the letter. His heart was fluttering despite how many times he told himself it was irrational.

_Thomas—_

_I’ve been mulling it over all day and I can’t figure out a good way to start off this bloody letter. Told you I was rubbish at writing. I hope you’re well, and all that. Hopefully you haven’t had to take on too much of my former duties. I know how much you’d hate to do something that’s beneath you._

_I found some work—nothing so glamorous as working in a big house like Downton, but I’m keeping myself alive. I’m not too far from Ripon, and I was thinking of going up there on the 16 th because I’ve a day off. I was wondering if you’d like to meet at a pub or something? It would be nice to see a familiar face. I’m trying to settle in here, I really am, but I haven’t met anyone half as decent as you. No one I can talk to, I mean. So let me know if you’re able to come. Hopefully Carson won’t put up too much of a fight. _

_Give everyone my regards and all that._

_Jimmy_

Thomas read the letter over twice,savoring every word of it. Jimmy was unsurprisingly ineloquent, but Thomas didn’t care about that. All he cared about was that Jimmy really considered him a friend, and wanted to see him again. He dressed for bed wondering how he could bring up the topic with Carson, and what he and Jimmy would talk about when they were finally together again.

 

It took some careful negotiation, but Thomas eventually got permission to have his day off on the 16th, and carefully composed a letter to Jimmy saying that he’d meet him in town. It took quite a bit of restraint on Thomas’ part not to add how much he’d missed Jimmy and how boring Downton was without him. All that could wait, if he ever said it at all. Despite Jimmy’s kind words in the letter, Thomas knew better than to get his hopes up. _We’re seeing each other as friends, and that’s all. He’s just having trouble adjusting and wants a familiar face._ After posting the letter, Thomas resolved to stop fretting over the meeting; it would be just another conversation between friends, like they’d had so many times before. Nothing would change between them.

 

Finally the day came, and Thomas was calm and collected as he waited in the pub he’d suggested to Jimmy. He ordered a drink and sat down at a table near the back, facing the door as he waited for Jimmy. The fingers on his right hand traced idle circles into the worn-out wood of the tabletop in an effort to take his mind off of what was to come.

Minutes later, a bell tinkled as the door opened, and Thomas looked up to see Jimmy, exactly as he remembered him. It seemed odd that, despite their separation, Jimmy would have changed so little. _Then again,_ Thomas thought to himself, _what did you expect? He’s only been gone a month._

Jimmy’s eyes searched the pub and alighted on Thomas. A smile spread over his face, the likes of which Thomas hadn’t seen in what felt like eternity. Jimmy all but dashed over to him. Thomas rose to greet him and shook the other man’s hand.

“I’m glad you could make it,” Jimmy said. Both of them were practically beaming.

“Wasn’t much trouble. Things have been fairly quiet lately,” Thomas said as he resumed his seat. Jimmy sat down across from him, staring at him as if to re-familiarize himself with Thomas’ face. “How are things with you? You said you’ve found work?”

“Yeah. I work in a shop. It’s dreadfully boring, and I haven’t got anyone to talk to, but at least I get weekends off, and I can leave the place after we close up,” Jimmy explained hurriedly. There was a certain hint of affectation in his intonation, like he’d rehearsed what he was going to say. “What’s going on your end?”

Thomas smirked at the question. “You know Downton. Nothing ever changes. Everybody’s still there, doing their same old things.”

Jimmy blinked and dropped his gaze, which had been glued to Thomas’ eyes since he sat down. “Ah. Yeah, the old place was always like that.” He smiled, but his eyes remained dim, a fact that did not escape Thomas.

_Have I said something wrong?_ Thomas wondered, picking up on something like disappointment in Jimmy’s attempt to appear happy. “Everyone misses you, of course,” he added, treading cautiously now. _Come to think of it, it would have been easier for him to just make the extra journey to Downton, instead of meeting me here._ Uncertainty began seeping into Thomas. “Just the other day Molesley was griping about all the extra work.”

Jimmy scoffed at that. “Thought he’d be elated at being first footman now.”

The two of them chatted for an hour or so, until both of them had finished their drinks. They talked of Jimmy’s new life—his cottage that always smelled of damp, the insipid customers he dealt with at the shop (“I swear, some of them could make Alfred look like a genius”), the letters he received from Lady Anstruther and burned without even opening. In turn, Thomas filled him in on what little had happened at Downton during his absence.

“Honestly, I’ve… I’ve never been this _bored_ working there,” he sighed. Even before Jimmy, he’d had O’Brien to scheme and chat with. Now, there was no one. He wondered how long he would stay on at Downton when nothing other than habit and a paycheck tied him to the place. Thomas sighed, refusing to let his reunion with Jimmy take such a maudlin turn. “Come on. Let’s get some fresh air,” he suggested.

Jimmy nodded and followed Thomas out of the pub, pulling on his jacket as they left. The two walked down the town’s main street in silence, with Thomas glancing at Jimmy out of the corner of his eye. The younger man looked preoccupied, not to say agitated. Jimmy’s fingers tapped out a rhythm on his thigh as he walked, and he looked straight ahead without noticing anything around him. Thomas frowned, inwardly disappointed in the day. He had told himself that the meeting wasn’t anything special, and that they were just two old friends, yet Jimmy’s behavior bothered him. It was like the other man wasn’t fully present.

Jimmy turned his head and, catching Thomas looking at him, blushed and looked at the ground. “What? Have I got something on my face?” he asked.

“No, I just…was wondering if you’re feeling alright. You’re not as noisy as I remember,” Thomas jested.

The corners of Jimmy’s mouth pulled up a little and he looked at Thomas with renewed warmth. “I’ve just been thinking,” he explained, pulling a leaf off of a nearby shrub as they walked. They were out of the main stretch of town now, away from the bustle of people.

“About?” Thomas prompted him. He wanted to get to the bottom of whatever was eating at Jimmy. Even with his friend so far away, Thomas couldn’t bear the thought of him unhappy.

Jimmy opened his mouth, then closed it as if he second-guessed himself. Huffing out a sigh through his nose, Jimmy tried again, and this time managed to articulate. “I’ve missed you,” he said, completely missing the nonchalance he aimed for. The sentence sounded like a pout and Jimmy, too embarrassed to meet Thomas’ eyes, let the scraps of the leaf he’d been tearing up fall from his hand and sprinkle over the road.

Thomas was somewhat stunned by the admission, and even more so by the silence that followed it. Jimmy made no effort to qualify the statement or lessen its impact. Consequently, Thomas felt the full force of it hit him square in the chest. He’d never considered Jimmy to be the sentimental type. “Really?” Thomas asked softly, sounding the depths of whatever new feelings Jimmy was broaching.

 “Of course I have,” Jimmy nodded, coming to a stop in the middle of the lane. “I’ve got no one I can talk to. Haven’t got any friends there,” he mumbled.

“I…I’m sure you’ll make friends soon enough,” Thomas pointed out. No one as charismatic and handsome as Jimmy could be without friends for long.

But Jimmy just shook his head exasperatedly, as if he’d had the same argument with himself before. “Not like you, though. Nobody who I can look at and know just what he’s thinking. Or who is always on my side, even when I’m wrong. _Especially_ when I’m wrong. You never let anybody else be the one to point out my mistakes. You were always there for me, and we were best mates. So when I say I miss you, I don’t just mean I miss having someone to chat with during an idle hour. I miss everything about you. The way you smile a little bit right after you take your first sip of morning coffee, the way you would glance at me after you said something particularly witty, as if to make sure I heard it, how you pretend to be so cold and standoffish, but then would light up whenever you see Miss Sybbie…” Jimmy was a bright red now, and shifted agitatedly on his feet.

Thomas stood facing him, a look of wonder on his face. He’d never imagined such an outpouring of emotion coming from Jimmy. Thomas had always thought that their friendship meant much more to him than it did to Jimmy, but now he could see how wrong he was.

Jimmy’s eyes implored Thomas, begged him to understand and to say that everything would be alright. He looked lost, like a little boy in the woods who had strayed too far from the familiar territory of his imaginary games. Thomas stirred, uncertain of what to say but desperately needing to communicate _something_.

“I miss you too,” he said softly, and almost immediately winced. It sounded so lame and lacking after Jimmy’s speech. He wanted to reach out and embrace Jimmy; pull the younger man to his heart in an effort to stop it from breaking. However, Thomas had always been cautious of the physical space between them, and was still terrified of transgressing any boundary, especially in this tenuous moment. To his surprise, Jimmy was the one who stepped forward and took his hand.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize all this until it was too late,” Jimmy said mournfully, entwining their fingers almost shyly.

“Realize what?” Thomas whispered, dimly aware that things were moving quite quickly. He was infinitely grateful for the deserted path they had chosen to walk down.

“How much you mean to me,” Jimmy explained. “And how much I…love you. Because I do love you, Thomas, I know that now. I’m an arse for what I did to you a few years ago, and I understand if you’ve stopped loving me, but I—”

“Stopped loving you?” Thomas asked incredulously. Their proximity reduced his voice to little more than a whisper, and he laughed shakily as tears began forming in the corners of his eyes. Any disappointment he had felt about their reunion was eviscerated now and replaced with a joy that slowly began to boil inside him. “How on earth could I ever do that?” The tears began to run down his cheeks; tears of relief, happiness, surprise…of everything but grief.

A slow smile spread across Jimmy’s face. “Don’t you start crying,” he said, reaching up and wiping the tears away with his thumb. “Now’s no sort of time for that.” Jimmy looked around them quickly and, ascertaining that no one was there spying, he turned back to Thomas and leaned in to kiss him.

Their lips met, and Thomas sensed the wisdom of Jimmy’s words. Grief could come later, when they had to deal with being miles apart, or keeping their relationship a secret. Now, however, Thomas was the happiest he’d ever been, because Jimmy Kent was in love with him.


End file.
